


The Fountain of Youth

by whoms_account_be_this



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: M/M, gay male author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10031861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoms_account_be_this/pseuds/whoms_account_be_this
Summary: Alex will never fully recover from his time of being a spy. Even a year after his career came to an end, he doesn't know how to be happy. Post-Scorpia Rising.





	1. February 13th

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: After Scorpia Rising. Starts on Alex's 16th birthday, and Stormbreaker - Scorpia Rising as having occurred over approximately 15 months. This differs from Canon, slightly.
> 
> Warning: Violence, sex, suicidal thoughts. Probably more. Leave if you are triggered easily.

**Chapter 1 - February 13th**

A dull grey dominated the early evening San Francisco sky. It was 7pm, the arrival of late winter's night hidden by overcast.

In the past, Alex Rider hated weather like this. He was always a sunshine and warmth kind of guy who enjoyed days at the beach and sun warming his skin. The harsh burn of the sun had never once marred his skin. A bitter thought these days, as Alex now knew that even something as innocent as learning how to use sun screen at the age of three was part of his training to be a spy. Sure, he was glad never to feel the scorch of the sun that would leave his skin red and peeling that all his friends assured him was miserable, and it was certainly a positive he wouldn't grow up to have skin cancer. Still, it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

His entire existence was based around being a spy. A spy against his will. It was the reason the last two years of his life had been hell. It was the reason he couldn't figure out how to be happy ever since he came to America to live with the Pleasures.

He drummed his fingers along the window seal, a small smile beginning to cross his face as the first drops of rain began to pepper the window. The trickling thumps brought a peace to him that was new. As a child, a rainy day was a bad day. Now, he could feel some of the tension leave his shoulders at the pitter-patter.

A lot had changed in two short years. Perhaps it was a natural result of growing up, like Edward said. Sabina's father told him once when they had a heart to heart that as one aged, the years became shorter and shorter as they made up a less significant portion of one's life. He has also acknowledged that the type of life Alex had led those two years did a lot to make it seem too short, but also longer than it had any right to be.

Alex gulped, a feeling he didn't quite understand in his heart as he recalled his talks with Edward. _Dad_ , he thought. He rolled the word over his tongue without letting it leave his mouth. It didn't sound right. Too personal, maybe. _Father_. It sounded better, slightly. He wouldn't be using it anytime soon, if ever, but it was nice to have a father figure for once. A real one.

He had been in San Francisco for almost a year now, and so far, nothing bad had happened. For the first few months, he has fully expected someone to come and kill him. Now, that fear was almost gone. Almost. He told himself that if anyone wanted him dead, they would have done it already.

"Alex!"

He blinked as he heard his name called, returning himself to awareness of the world around him. He chuckled sardonically. It wasn't very spy like to get lost in his thoughts, but then again, he wasn't a spy anymore, was he?

His stomach growled. He was hungry apparently, though he hadn't been aware until he was reminded by Liz's call. Alex shook his head. Another reminder that he had been permanently altered by his time as a spy. At least he would never again feel the pain of being hungry during history class.

Alex left his thoughts in the room as he headed down stairs, not wanting to keep Liz waiting. She was a nice woman who cared about him deeply, but a small part of him felt guilty that he could never think of her as a mother. He couldn't even think the word mom. Where Edward was someone he wanted to see as as a father, the thought of a mother was foreign to him. He never knew his. At least with his uncle, it felt like he had a father for a time, at least until he was old enough to realize he was an uncle, and further still, it hadn't been a void inside until he died and left him alone in the world. A world in which he had been raised to be used. A world that he had saved too many times.

He threw a smile on his face as he walked into the dining room, letting his face fall into one of shock - performed - as cries of "Happy Birthday" filled the room. He was happy, certainly, but he had seen it coming a mile away. Sabina dragging him to the mall after school, dinner was an hour later than usual, the slight air of secrecy and excitement that permeated the house. They were all cues that something was up, that something was being hidden from him. He knew the date was his birthday. How could he forget when Facebook and most of the girls and half the guys at school had reminded him?

Con #117 - not that he was counting - of being a spy: there was no way that he would ever have a pleasant surprise again. Sure, he could be surprised with another sniper, perhaps a bullet through his heart, but that was hardly pleasant. But a joyous surprise for his birthday? No chance any civilian would be able to pull it off. Mrs. Jones herself would have to plan it, and it would have to be in the middle of October to truly catch him off guard.

His open mouth closed into a solid smile, and he let himself blush. That was real, at least. People cared about him enough to throw him a birthday party. After Jack was… he felt his smile falter, but then relied on the tried and true performance to keep it straight. He still had people who cared about him enough to throw him a party. That counted for something.

He smiled and forced himself to focus. A part of him wanted to withdraw until the voices and faces were a blur in his head, but he had to at least try to be happy. He had to want to be happy. It was what everyone told him. And he did want to be happy. Mostly.

He walked over to the table that was surrounded by friends and family… yeah, the Pleasures were family, even if he wasn't comfortable with the words 'mom' and 'sister.' Some of Sabina's friends were there, and even one guy that he was friendly with in class. It was a surprise, really, as he preferred to keep to himself. It wasn't that different from how he was back in London, before he learned the true nature of the world and his life, but now it was because he wanted to protect them from being involved. Protect himself from the pain of their deaths.

His body was following all the motions. Smiling at everyone, approaching the table, and blowing out the sixteen candles on the cake. One blow was all it took. The control and precision to achieve that was nothing with his training. Compared to holding his breath for ninety seconds while dodging bullets under water, a solid exhalation through puckered lips was nothing

The cake was pretty. Nothing fancy short of the large one and six in the middle. Otherwise, it was white icy with blue script saying "Happy Birthday Alex!"

"Happy sweet sixteen, bro!" he heard one of Sabina's friends yell. Lance, probably.

Alex took a step back as Liz cut the cake. It seemed to be the motherly thing to do, if his viewing of sitcoms was anything to go by.

He made small talk with Sabina's friends - his friend too, though there was a barrier that stopped them from becoming as close as Sabina or Tom ever were. Probably his fault, but they didn't need to know that.

Liz cut the cake into approximately thirty pieces, and distributed a slice on paper plates to everyone. Twelve people in all.

Alex continued his small talk, nodded occasionally to remind himself that he was listening and occasionally forking some cake into his mouth. It was sweet, almost to the point of being gritty. Not that that was a bad thing. Coke was his favorite drink after all.

"Ahem," Edward cleared his throat. Alex nodded as he chewed the food, grateful for the relief from small talk. It wasn't that he disliked talking to Sabina's friends - his friends, he had to remind himself - but that he had a hard time caring. It was hard to pinpoint the moment in his life where things became about performing the motions of life, but all that really mattered was that it was fact. One good thing about his mission was that they made him care. Made him not want to die. Made him fight to live.

Alex shook the dark thought from his head. He wanted to hear what Edward had to say.

"Alex has been with us for almost a year now, has been a friend of our family for nearly two. As you know, Liz and I became Alex's guardians last summer. We have talked about it for a while and prepared all of the paperwork. Our birthday gift for Alex, a gift for our whole family, is that we have finalized the adoption process."

Alex nodded. The world was a haze around him. He kind of knew that it would happen, suspected it in fact, but it still took him by surprise. It was good news. Great news.

He was shocked, and the sounds of cheer around him were only echoes.

He let a smile find a home on his face. Despite everything, this happiness was real.

* * *

The party ended half an hour ago and everyone had gone home. Alex was back in his room now, the sky darkened to night. The pitter-patter at the window was now a solid downpour.

He was adopted now. He had mother and father. A sister too.

"Yay," he said aloud. His voice was dull, not liked the normal dry bite. The only word he could think to describe it was 'lifeless.' Just like him.

He rested his forehead against the window, chilled by winter's night and rainfall. He felt the chill, to his relief. He felt his heart beat in his chest. He pulled up the left sleeve of his shirt and brushed this thumb over the veins, blue rivers that passed under smooth skin.

He reached down to his socks and pulled out a knife. It wasn't exactly a military grade knife, though it was meant for combat. He had bought it at Wal-mart a week after arriving in the States, when his paranoia was at its height. He thought he would need something to protect him and his new family, but nothing had ever come of it. He still kept the knife in the sock on his right foot, safely in a sheath that came with it. Luckily, he didn't go to a school with metal detectors, and he knew how to act like he wasn't wearing a weapon.

The paranoia never went away, not entirely. He had to consciously tell himself that there was no one hiding behind the half closed bathroom attached to his room, waiting to gut him for taking down the most powerful criminal organization in the world. He had to tell himself that there was no bug under the tea cup that he used every day. Some nights, he had to tell himself in a mantra that he wouldn't wake up with a knife in his throat.

He removed the knife from its sheath before placing the plastic cover onto his desk. He rubbed his fingers over the flat sides of the knife, and looked down at his wrist. It would be so easy to end all his fear.

He had thought about it many times before, some nights spending hours looking at his wrist. Others poking at skin to remind himself that he could feel. It had been a while since his 'career' came to an end, but all the sudden it felt like he had never felt better at all. He should be happy that he was adopted and had a family. Instead, he felt a dull ache vibrating inside.

He brushed the knife over the veins that always captivated him, blade perpendicular to his arm. It was chilly, almost like a shard of glass from the window. The veins were so vulnerable, yet not. Much like a human itself. Full of weak points, so many ways to cause pain both physical and mental. It was never that easy. A person always acted in ways to best defend oneself. He had been on the bad end of that enough times, whether it was Conrad's meaty hands around his throat, or his racing mind struggling to find a way to escape as Dr. Grief threatened to dissect him alive.

Right now, he could take the knife and gouge it into his wrist. It could be a cut so deep into the veins and the artery beneath them that when he decided that he wanted to live and cried out for help that it would be too late. It should be so easy, but it wasn't. He couldn't do it.

He brushed the knife over the veins, enough to tickle, enough to cause the sting of a paper cut, but not enough to leave even a mark. He shifted his grip until he held the knife like a pen, placing the tip on a vein and tracing it. And then he push. First a millimeter and then another. A little further and blood started to pool. It would be so easy to just end everything now. End the dull ache in his stomach that made him want throw up, the weight that felt like the world on his shoulder. The image of Jack dying in his head.

But he lifted the knife. It was never that easy. So he opened the window, held the knife out, and let the rain rinse the blood away. He placed the knife on the desk before putting his write outside and washing the blood away from there as well. The blood would trickle out for the next few minutes, but then it would be done. No scar, no blood. No worse than a paper cut.

He heard a knock on his door and a voice calling his name. "Alex?"

Liz. "Come in," he called as he closed the window. He slipped his sleeve back down over his wrist. It was nothing, but best to avoid questions. "What's up?" he asked as he took a seat on his bed.

"It's dark in here," Liz said as she walked to his desk and turned on the lamp. If she saw the knife, she didn't say anything. Probably expected the spy kid to have something lying around, and a knife was the least that an imagination could create. She looked around the room, though Alex had to tell himself that it was a passive, motherly action trying to pick up details about his life because she cared.

Alex looked up at her expectantly.

"Is Tom still coming to the States this weekend?" she asked.

Alex nodded. "Yep. He's, like, obsessed with me after all."

Liz chuckled. "Good good." She was quiet for a moment. "You are going to have to miss school tomorrow."

Alex felt his whole body freeze. And then he blinked and felt his heart continuing to beat. This was Liz. His… mother. She wasn't about to tell him about a mission. Whatever she had to say was going to be entirely normal.

"We have to to go to the doctor tomorrow morning," she said.

"The shrink?" Alex wondered. He knew that he was bad about attending his session, and felt guilty that she was going to have to take time out of her day to make sure he went. Perhaps he should do a better job of attending. He couldn't deny that he needed the help at this point.

"No, no," Liz said. "The doctor from last week called. There was an abnormality in your test. They wanted to see you again, and specified that your guardian attend."

Alex snorted. "Abnormality, huh?" Was it HIV from a bad water source he had been desperate enough to drink on some mission? He checked for blood, body fluids, and any other contaminants he could think of, but sometimes he had been to desperate to care. Or perhaps the waters in Venice had been dirtier than they looked? Or perhaps he caught some weird, crocodile-based disease. Crazy thoughts that he couldn't tell Liz about.

"It is probably nothing," Liz said pleasantly. "Most of your records are from England, after all. Probably just a vaccination difference."

"Probably," Alex agreed. And then he yawned.

"Tired from your birthday?" Liz asked. "You should get to bed early."

Alex nodded faintly and removed his socks lazily. "Yeah. Kind of a head ache too."

"Too much sugar?" Liz laughed.

Alex chuckled as he stood up to walk to the bathroom. "Gonna brush my teeth and get to bed early. Good night," he said as he began to close the door. Then he stopped and rolled a quick word over his tongue. "Good night, mom."

Liz smiled. "Good night, sweetie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my first Alex Rider fanfic. I have a full length story planned, with a romance, villain, crazy plan, dinosaurs, and one other surprise... But I just wanted to post this first chapter to make sure I had the drive to write the rest of it :) Let me know what you think. On the off-chance I never finish this story, this chapter stands well as a post-Scorpia Rising one-shot, even if the title doesn't make sense for a one-shot (hint hint)!


	2. Scars of the Past

Alex smiled as he sat at the kitchen table with his family. It was their normal routine for months now, but now they were officially a family. It was weird. He was happy. Really happy, but also not. It was a paradox that he couldn't quite comprehend in himself. Happy, yet dull. That word was getting old to him. Everything felt dull. The sky, school, the frosted flakes in his mouth.

He forced his lips to spread to make sure that he was smiling. He wanted to be happy, and maybe putting on a smile would help. He knew it was the correct reaction to finding a family. On all logical grounds he was happy with his life compared to last year. But everything felt wrong.

He swallowed his food and sighed. He talked himself into this circle about four times a day, more if he had trouble sleeping.

"So," Sabina spoke after a while. Both of the teens were still half asleep at this time of the morning, so conversation was usually light. "What are you working on, dad?"

"Just an article," Edward said pleasantly. "No worries, not another eccentric billionaire by far. I am collaborating with a medical firm in Seattle to promote their upcoming drug. They claim it as a wonder drug, though that's not to be a surprise. The Americans think every drug is their miracle cure-all."

Alex nodded drowsily to show that he was listening. He was grateful that Sabina's father had chosen an assignment that was a little more ground in safety. The odds were against it, but if he had to intervene for Edward's safety again, MI6 might just take it as an opportunity to snatch him up. He was 16 now… any qualms about being underage were quickly dying. He was taller now at 5'11, and his chest had filled out a lot in the last 9 months. He wasn't quite as fit as he had been a year ago, but he had no doubt that he would be able to survive most things thrown at him; but now, he would have to do it without abusing his youth. No one would look at him and see just a boy anymore. Underestimate him, sure. But he looked more dangerous now with no baby fat to soften his cheeks.

"Honey?" he heard as someone shook him. Alex blinked. He most have fazed out. He did that a lot ever since returning, half the time lost in thought and others floundering in waking nightmares.

"Yeah," Alex muttered. He let his voice sound sleepy so that they wouldn't ask any questions. Liz was standing behind him.

"You ready to go? After the doctor, we should grab lunch. If the timing is right, maybe we can even swing by and grab Sabina from school."

"Sounds great," Alex said.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they were in the car. Alex watched the bustling city and its morning traffic with faded awe. He was mildly used to the sight, but it still amazed him how all of the countries he visited were so unique. Besides that, everyone told him that San Francisco was just one small corner of America and the country had a million different cities that were unique in their own way.

"So, any special plans today?" Liz asked after a while.

Alex frowned. "Huh?"

Liz chuckled. "It's Valentines day. Do you have your eye on a special someone?"

Alex blushed. "I, um…" He and Sabina had been interested in each other nearly two years ago, but as time went on they entered that weird area between distant friends and something more. Ever since he had moved in with the Pleasures, he had been too afraid to bring it up. In a way, they had mutually agreed to let it die through silence. They were technically siblings now.

"No worries, I talked to Sabina. Of course you two aren't seeing each other. I was just wondering if you had found a special girl. Or guy. These last two years... you missed the young love phase, didn't you?"

"I suppose," Alex agreed, feeling guilty for the pity he heard in her voice. He had always kept to himself at school, even before the Stormbreaker incident, and during his time with MI6, he hadn't been around people his age enough to consider anyone. Sabina had been great at first, the type of person he should have been attracted to. But now, that had faded into something closer to siblings. His only other friends were Tom and James, and James had been too short lived to matter.

Alex frowned. Could he be gay? Like Liz said, he missed a whole phase of his life. It was difficult enough to untangle his feelings for Sabina. He remembered telling Tom about how great Tamara Knight's breasts were; he was shocked when Tom was drooling at the mouth. To Alex, it had been a curiosity more than anything else. And he certainly had never - he paused to make a face - touched himself to the memory.

"I am not in a rush. I am pretty messed up." That came out worse than he intended. "I don't want to drag anyone down." He winced. That sounded bad too. Maybe Liz would be taking him to the shrink today after all. "Plenty of people don't date until college or after."

"That's true, honey," Liz agreed. "You will find your special someone."

"Maybe," Alex admitted, but he didn't really believe it. He was attractive, he knew. Tons of girls at school ogled him. He had a nice face, too. It was about the only part of his body that he was okay seeing in the mirror - his scars almost felt like they were pulsing as he thought of the way they marred his body. He let out an angry sigh as thoughts of his own face brought back memories of Cairo.

Luckily, they were already pulling into the doctor's office.

* * *

The wait was short. Suspiciously short, Alex noted. He didn't want to think that way, but all of his time as a spy prevented him from feeling joy that they hadn't had to spend more than two minutes in the waiting room. His mind was racing with things that could be wrong. Were they trying to get him to a back room before anyone had a chance to remember the blonde kid in the waiting room? Or perhaps they had found something in an x-ray - like a bomb buried under his skin during one of his many times he was unconscious and in the hands of a crazy villain?

Both were crazy - though only because logic told him that it was unlikely, contrary to his past experiences.

His stomach was tight and he forced himself to breathe and to tell himself that everything was okay. He was a normal civilian now. Again. There was absolutely nothing that the doctor could tell him that would hurt him. Nothing that he could do to him, too, Alex thought with a shudder that sent a chill through his body. People have threatened to cut him apart too many times.

Thankfully, Liz seemed unaware of his struggles. He was under more control than he felt.

He was chewing on his nails when the doctor came through the door. Alex grimaced at the mess he was making of his hands. It was a bad habit that Ian had straightened out of him when he was seven, though he drifted back into it occasionally. The mission at Point Blank had been a particularly awful bout of nail biting, though it faded over time as his missions became worse and worse with less time to sit around as a nervous mess.

Alex gulped as he looked up at the man who just walked into the room. His name was Dr. Livingston, he recalled from previous meetings. Even though he just convinced - forced - himself to think of all of this as normal, he couldn't help but view the doctor as the bad guy. His death humor kicked in.

"What's up doc?"

Dr. Livingston sighed and pointed at a gown. "We are going to need to do some x-rays to be certain. Go ahead and get your gown on."

Alex felt his face fall. This sounded bad, and suddenly, he was the scared little kid who was afraid to ask the villain what horrifying torture was facing him.

It was Liz who spoke. "What do you suspect, Dr. Livingston?" Her voice was sad, and she was patting Alex on the arms to give him comfort. "I'm sure everything is fine, Alex. We'll get you an x-ray, everything will be fine, and then we will go and get you some Valentine's day chocolates just for you."

Alex pulled away from her slowly and crossed the room, picking up the cloth gown. He had already spent too much time in these. He dreaded the words the doctor was about to speak. Alex could feel it. He felt it last night when Liz had told him about the phone call.

Dr. Livingston spoke after a moment. "I don't want to alarm you. This is just a preliminary test due to an abnormality in Alex's blood work. If we notice anything, we'll send you to a specialist." The doctor paused for a moment. "Alex may have a as of yet undetermined form of cancer."

Alex froze. The doctor's words startled him more than any near-miss gunshot ever had. He brushed his thumb over the scar above his heart. He had survived so much, but the spy game was still trying to claim his life. In the back of his mind, he knew that he never really escaped.

* * *

They didn't get lunch. He wasn't ready to face Sabina after what they had just learned. Liz made sure to grab him some chocolate at a gas station on the way home. "Chocolate always cheers you up. Trust me, this chocolate is better than that generic heart chocolate."

Alex nodded numbly and took it, nibbling on it on the way home. As they pulled into the driveway and Liz turned off the car, Alex spoke. "I need a minute alone."

Liz nodded reluctantly. "I'll have you a nice mug of hot chocolate ready inside."

Alex nodded in thanks. What would he do without her? She was almost as good as Jack. Almost.

He slammed his head back on the car seat. Why did everything have to go wrong? He was already struggling with being happy here. He pulled down the overhead mirrored and glared at himself. Don't cry. Don't cry. And instead of crying, he was angry at himself. All the anger he felt towards Julius, all the anger he felt towards himself for Jack's death.

Alex heard a crunch, and looked down to find the bar of chocolate crushed in his hand. Everything he touched became broken.

He sighed and got out of the car. Any longer in there, and he felt like he would break beyond repair. He ate the chocolate bar down to where it broke to hide the evidence, not that anyone would notice. Only a spy would notice such a minute detail.

It was quiet when he walked inside, and his senses were on alert. Something was wrong… but no, it wasn't. He had to tell himself that. He had to be strong. He had to beat this dark game. He couldn't live every day expecting someone to kill him. What was the point? His spy career gave him cancer.

It was all just unfair. Everything he survived, every piece of his life he tried to keep together, was going to fall apart.

The doctor didn't know what type of cancer he had, just that there was a lump on the back of his neck and the blood test showed abnormalities. Alex hadn't paid attention to the details. All he knew was that he would have to go see a specialist next week. He knew that one of his missions caused it. Had the nuclear bomb in Russian leaked? Or maybe it was on Ark Angel, when the sun, uninhibited by the atmosphere, scorched his neck? Or maybe his genes suck - they were the reason he was raised as a spy after all.

Alex found himself in the dining room, a mug full of hot chocolate waiting for him. He mumbled thanks under his breath, but Liz wasn't in the room to hear it.

Edward's stuff was scattered across the table. He was likely at work, Alex noted, as he began to skim the papers. He knew that he shouldn't invade Edward's privacy, but snooping always did the world to distract his mind. Perhaps, in some way, that was one of the reasons his time as a spy had been so addictive, even when he wanted nothing to do with that life. He remembered clinching his fist in anger as Mrs. Jones implied that he wanted to do spy work - but he couldn't deny that half of his missions were started of his own accord.

A bold phrase caught Alex's eyes. The Fountain of Youth. Edward has circled it it with a red pen and made a note. _Based upon the Fountain of Youth myths?_

Alex hummed in curiosity. Some distant part of his mind knew that multiple cultures had myths about a fountain of youth, or something very similar. They were said to bring eternal youth. Immortality.

And then he snorted. Miracle drug, alright. The advertising in America really was extreme.

There was a picture sticking out of the stack. Alex lifted the papers off of it and placed them to the side to get a good look, keeping the two piles separated so that he could make it look like he hadn't gone through Edward's stuff.

His blood ran cold. Two murders in the suburbs of Seattle. Both were employees of The Fount of Health. Alex frowned. This wasn't good. He looked back at the article on the Fountain of Youth and found what he was looking for. The drug was being developed by The Fount of Health.

Alex wracked his brain trying to figure out what he knew. It was a fairly well-known pharmaceutical company, to his knowledge. It was a brand that was new to him, having just arrived in America, but he recalled having noticed drugs with The Fount of Health brand name on them. People even referred to it in short hand as The Fount.

His spy senses were tingling. That buzz in his head and the tingle in his stomach that told him that something was up. Something that he had to intervene with in order to stop. It was the same feeling back in the South of France when he saw Yassen… he had ignored that feeling then, and Edward had almost died as a result.

Alex placed the papers down and backed away slowly. This couldn't be. It had to be nothing, his hyperactive sense that he was in danger. He knew it was paranoia, but that didn't mean it wasn't real.

A darker thought crossed his mind. What if MI6 or the CIA - probably both - had planted this information with Edward in order to make sure that he had to investigate it. They knew that he would run across it and then he would be off, researching it all on his own. Just like Damian Cray.

He just wanted to cry, but he couldn't let himself break. He took a gulp of the hot chocolate that he had almost forgot he was holding, letting the hot liquid fill him like a warm embrace.

He looked down again at the papers. Two murders. He wouldn't let Edward be a third.

Alex felt a buzz in his pocket and retrieved his phone with his free hand. A message from Tom.

'Just got my ticket! I'll be there tomorrow afternoon!'

Alex smiled and rearranged the papers to just how they were when he walked in. He knew just how to keep his mind off the scars of his past.


	3. Together Again

The next 24 hours were rather quiet. Liz had honored his request not tell Sabina and Edward about the cancer diagnosis, and in exchange, he promised to talk to her about his feelings sometime this week, and maybe, just maybe, he would consider finally going to a therapist.

Dinner had been quiet as was breakfast the next morning. Alex never talked too terribly much anyway and they had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong. He and Liz shared a smile as he got out of the car for school, and then he followed Sabina the rest of the way.

Alex was quiet at school. He wasn't an outcast, but he was hardly the social butterfly that Sabina was. In a way, he benefited from her popularity, though he ignored most of the attention. He sat with her at lunch most days, the rest were spent with some guys from his fourth-period class. His closeness to Sabina was useful for the first few months as everyone thought that they had something going on. Alex was just as happy to let that belief carry on to ensure that no one went out of their way to ask him out. A small, teasing part of him enjoyed that he slowed down male attention thrown Sabina's way. Not every little brother could do that. The rumors quickly died down as talk of official adoption for Alex began to spread throughout the school. By then, Alex had sealed his reputation as a loner. He had acquaintances and hallway buddies, but no one who wanted to hang out after school and no one asked questions about his past.

Today was a day like any other. No one was concerned about his absence the day before, a trip to the doctor being an easy excuse. No one suspected cancer, and that only made him too happy. No one needed to know that his life was a series of one bad thing after another.

Time ticked by in a dull, monotonous sequence of events that was entirely beneath his attention. School had always been that way, particularly since coming to America, as the material was easy enough that he didn't have to pay attention. American schooling was a bit easier, and the fact that he was repeating a grade due to his absences the previous year only compounded that. He was at least a year ahead in math, and American history bored him to hell. He doubted that he would ever consider this new country his home, so he couldn't bother to make him learn past the bare minimum. It always made him wonder if he were homesick, and when he let that line of thought start he always made himself think of Tom. England was his home, but he wanted none of the memories other than his best friend.

There were now 30 minutes until the final bell rang, the worst part of the day after history class. British Lit was his last class, and one of the few things other that MI6 that made him hate his country. He allowed thoughts of his plans with Tom to fill the void as he waited for the school day to end.

Tom's visit had been in the planning for months. He had wanted to come for his birthday, but Edward made him wait until the weekend after to ensure they both missed as little school as possible. They would both miss the next full week, but small concessions were involved for the plan to work. It was minor in the grand scheme of things. Alex was a pro at missing school after all.

The thought of just what he and Tom would do when he arrived hadn't been a concern until last night. He figured that the two of them would just hang and have fun like they always did. The Pleasures had a PS4 in the living room they could play, and he could probably convince Liz to let the two of them modify the room into a friendship fort for the week. They would probably go to the beach at least once as well - Tom would love to see Sabina in a bikini, though the thought now made Alex wince. Living in the same house with her for nine months sapped any measure of arousal he felt for her, and it had already been fading as far back as their time in Scotland.

They may still do that, but Alex had a new plan now. A road trip! Tom couldn't turn down the idea. The trip to Venice and Naples had been fun. Americans didn't exactly support teenagers traveling around like Europe did, and they had nothing approaching youth hostels, but they would make do. Edward said he could borrow one of the three family cars whenever he needed, and he would be willing to lend him funds for the trip. Alex knew that Edward was looking for ways to make him feel like family, plus, it would make a nice birthday gift. There were a lot of loose gears in this plan, but Alex was confident everything would come together.

This trip had to happen. He had to make it to Seattle to investigate the company that Edward was researching. The murders were suspicious, too suspicious. There was a saying in the spy game - and Alex shivered as he remembered Blunt's voice. "We don't like coincidences." Coincidences didn't happen. They were all part of a puzzle, and that voice of paranoia in his head told him he had to put everything together. He had ignored the feeling twice with Edward now, once in France and again in Scotland, and he wouldn't let it happen this time.

He couldn't wait to tell Tom about the tourist attraction he had chosen for them to visit - though he would word it entirely more fanciful so that it didn't sound boring. He hated to use Tom for this silly quest of his, but, truly, their time together would be more enjoyable if they were on an adventure, even if Tom were unaware of the truth of it.

Last night, Alex realized for the millionth time that he would never change. Everything would be a matter of figuring out some conspiracy or another, and a part of him just wanted to stop fighting that drive. He felt nothing as he googled tourist attractions in Seattle as an excuse to visit, thought nothing of manipulating Tom into going along with him. He knew why he felt nothing. It was better to feel nothing.

He should have learned that lesson with Jack.

* * *

Alex had to fight from fidgeting in his seat as they waited at the airport. Tom's flight would be landing at 7 pm, any time now. He knew that Tom had left right after school, at 4 o'clock London time. After an 11 hour flight and 8 hours time difference, Tom was going to be tired as hell. Alex hoped that the other boy had taken his advice and had a nap during the trip, particularly since he had complained without end to Tom over Facebook after he survived the same flight last year.

Sabina's eyes lit up next to him as the departure gates opened. She was happy for him, Alex knew. It upset her that he never made real friends other than her and Tom, but she had come to accept it. To see one of her best friends excited about something was a true joy to her. And, Alex had to admit, he was excited. More excited than he had been in a long time. He hadn't seen Tom since that morning Scorpia sent a sniper for him at school - and damn them for that. Alex made sure to comfort Tom on Facebook after his injuries. The best comfort for Tom was always the attention that he didn't receive at home.

Alex took an involuntary step forward as he saw Tom's spiky brown hair dancing towards him. It wasn't so crowded that he couldn't see his friends face, but his hair was always distinctive, the one thing that hadn't changed in all the years they had known each other.

Before Alex knew what he was doing, his feet were taking steps forward. He had learned long ago to trust his body. His subconscious was telling him to move, so he did.

Soon enough, he was crashing into Tom's arms in a hug. It was like they were never apart - well, other than the fact that they were hugging which they only did after they were reunited.

Alex took a step back and was shocked that he had to look up to Tom. "You got taller," he said. He fought to keep a stupid grin off his face. He failed.

"Yeah, mate," Tom said with a grin. "I've two, three inches on you now. So, this is America?"

"Yeah," Alex replied. "Let's go get your luggage. We're meeting Ed in a half hour for dinner."

They jabbered about nonsense as they retrieve his luggage, pointing out the minor changes that they noticed in each other and the "strange" smells of America.

"Basically on the other side of the world," Tom chirped.

"You get used to it - at least they speak English here. Just try Bangkok."

Tom chuckled at his joke - any mention of his missions had to be understood as a joke - as they approached the Pleasures.

"Tom, Liz. Liz, Tom," Alex said in introduction. "You've met Sabina."

"It's nice to meet you, Tom," Liz said.

Tom returned the greeting and gave Sabina a smile. The smile was a bit different than their previous meeting, Alex noticed, though he couldn't quite place it. Probably thought the "sister" of his best friend was off limits or something.

"Are you tired, Tom?" Liz asked as they walked back towards the car.

"No, mam," Tom said. "Alex threatened-"

"I did not!"

"-me to get some sleep. I got six hours somewhere over your east coast."

"That's great. You'll probably have to tough it out for four to five more hours before Alex will let you sleep. Alex falls asleep at 11 every night."

"Except when sneaking out?" Tom asked.

"I don't sneak out!" Alex protested.

Liz chuckled. "We wish he snuck out sometimes."

"Yeah," Sabina teased. "Every night the snoring starts at 11 sharp."

Alex sighed, content with being the butt of the joke. When Tom was around, it made him feel right at home.

* * *

Dinner went well. Edward met them at the Pleasures' favorite steak house. Alex recalled when they had brought him there on his first full day in town. It was as good of a memory as he could have had, considering that he was largely numb to the world around him those first few weeks.

Edward liked to argue that going out to eat was the best way to learn about a new culture - and all of Alex's experiences while growing up confirmed that. Dinner would be a good way to show Tom some of the basic differences in America: the number and types of people were far greater than they were used to and the myth about American portion sizes was hardly a lie.

Tom got along well with his new family, which wasn't a surprise to Alex. Tom got along with literally everyone. Alex could scarcely recall anyone who wasn't a bully that Tom wasn't capable of being buddies with. Not only was Tom right at home with his family, he was right at home in America as he devoured his meal.

After dinner, they returned to home, and after dropping Tom's luggage off in Alex's room, they rushed to the living room to game before bed. Alex was incredibly out of practice so he, begrudgingly, let Tom boast as he racked up a better KDA in Call of Duty. It was an older edition that the Pleasures had lying around, but it would do. Alex was about two years behind on video games anyway.

"So if you don't play video games, what do you do for fun?" Tom asked.

Alex shrugged. "I try to stay ahead at school. A habit I picked up when I never knew if I was going to be taken away again." A pang of guilt flashed through Alex as he saw Tom frown, clearly thinking he had caused his friend pain with that question. Alex put a grin on his face and try to spin it as a joke. "After the real thing, games hardly compare!"

Tom stretched. "Yeah, once you get shot, it feels so weird to have your health recover after five seconds of not being hit."

Alex chuckled. "Yeah." They had already talked at length about the day of the shooting at Brooklands and both had agreed not to feel guilty about it. Alex had felt guilty that Tom got shot because of him, and Tom felt guilty because Alex felt guilty. After a few weeks of awkwardly apologizing to each other, they promised to put it in the past. "Give me a few days to warm up, and I'll be kicking your ass again just like grade 8."

"You wish!"

"Don't need to. All of your practice with James will be for naught," Alex cackled playfully.

Tom yawned. "If you beat me, it will be because I am tired. It is so hot here for the middle of February. The walk from the car drained me."

"Try arriving here in the middle of the summer," Alex retorted. "And that was nothing compared to Cairo…" He paused for a moment, not meaning to let that slip.

Tom gave him a curious look. "Cairo? When did you go there?"

"Nevermind," Alex said. "We can go to sleep now if you're tired. I was up a little late last night, so it shouldn't be hard to fall asleep."

"I'll cuddle you until you do!"

Alex blushed. "Oh?"

"It worked that one time."

"That one time," Alex acknowledged. He wasn't quite sure what mission it had been - they all blurred together really - but Tom had helped him fall asleep one night during a sleepover. A friend's warmth helped to fight back the chill of nightmares, particularly when half of them were about water and drowning in it. "My nightmares have become a lot less frequent."

Tom nodded solemnly, then his lips upturned into a proud grin. "And while I'm here, I'll make sure you have none!"

Alex was about to form a wisecrack as Liz walked into the room.

"Are you boys getting ready for bed? I can get you some blankets for the couch if you like, Tom. Or we can pull out a sleeping bag in Alex's room."

"Oh, no, Alex and I sleep together on sleepovers," Tom said.

"Oh?" Liz inquired. She turned to Alex with a sly smile on her face and suddenly their conversation from yesterday came rushing back to him.

Alex couldn't stop himself from blushing wildly, but neither could he correct her without making things more awkward. At least Tom was blissfully unaware as usual.

"Yeah, Tom and I have slept together on sleepovers for years now. His parents were fighting a lot, so Jack let him come over. We never felt a need to be #nohomo about it, as the Americans say."

"Good, good," Liz said. "Well, I'll see you two boys tomorrow. Do you have any plans for the weekend?"

Alex nodded. "I was thinking of a road trip. Tom and I enjoyed our travels in Europe. It should be fun to explore up the west coast."

"Ah, yes. I'll let you borrow my car, if works for you."

"Fantastic."

"Any destination?"

"I was thinking Seattle," Alex said. He tried to keep it casual so that Liz wouldn't make the connection between their trip and Edward's work, if he even told her. "They have the Space Needle there. I googled tourist attractions and that popped up. Both reasonably far away to constitute a road trip, and interesting enough to look forward to." The best way to tell a lie was to tell the truth. Both of those things were true. All he did was leave out his real reason for wanting to go to Seattle. "Does that sound fun, Tom?"

"Sure," Tom said. "Never heard of it, but 'Space Needle' sounds fun!"

"It does, Alex," Liz said. "You'll have to tell us all about it when you get back. I'm off to bed. Let me know if you need anything, Tom."

"Will do."

"You know, I can drive in America?"

"I can drive," Tom pouted. "I just don't have a license."

"Yeah, yeah," Alex muttered as he led the way to his room, though Tom should already know where it was from where he dropped his luggage. He thought about taking a shower before bed but decided it wasn't necessary. They brushed their teeth in silence.

If Alex were being honest with himself, which he rarely was, he was kind of nervous. The last time they had had a sleep over, he had just turned 15. It was only a year, but everything felt different now. Before, they were kids, but now, Alex felt like an adult. There seemed to be more to the decision of sharing a bed than before, though he knew he was being stupid. It was Liz's fault. She had made him think about guys, and if there was ever a guy that he would like, it would be Tom.

Alex gulped as Tom took off his shirt, kicked off his shoes, and removed his pants to be left only in his boxer briefs that bordered on being tighty-whities. Alex followed Tom's lead and stripped to his boxers, and consciously told himself not to make this weird. It was almost funny. He could force himself to crush any emotion while on a mission, but when confronted with being this close to his friend, he couldn't fight the embarrassment. Darn Liz and her desire for him to be normal enough to enjoy Valentine's Day. He only wished he could be as normal as Tom.

"How was your Valentine's Day?" Alex asked. "Were the girls sad to see you go?"

"Not exactly," Tom muttered as he climbed into bed. "Odd question, though." He seemed less bummed out than he normally did at spending Valentine's Day alone, Alex noted as he turned out the light and climbed into bed. Normally, Tom moped about how nobody wanted him for at least four days.

It was going to be a warm night, Alex could tell that already, though it would do the world to fight off nightmares. He pulled Tom close in gratitude. Even if he dreamt about the icy chill of water sapping the air from his lungs, Tom's warmth would comfort him.

They lay still for a while, the only sound being that of their breathing and the occasional car driving down the street outside. Alex half expected that Tom would have difficulty falling asleep as the ambient noise of America was so much more prevalent than in Chelsea. It had taken Alex a while to get used to it himself, though he suspected that his issues with sleeping were more related to paranoia and nightmares. More than once he had woken up in the middle of the night and messaged Tom, who was getting ready for school, to see if he was alright. Gradually, all too gradually, the fear had faded. Scorpia wasn't targeting him anymore, or at the very least, Tom wasn't a target. Tom wouldn't become another Jack.

Alex felt like his eyes had only closed for half a moment before he was wide awake, struggling to force hot air into his lungs. The image of Tom bleeding was in his mind. Tom dying - it was a thought that he just couldn't take. Alex couldn't stop himself from gripping Tom to remind himself that he was there. Tom had been his best friend throughout the hardest time of his life, right after the special spot that Jack had filled for him. If he lost Tom, he would break.

This was the first time that he had seen Tom since the day he was shot - in person and not over Skype. It felt so good to feel his friend in his hands, to know for certain that he was real. Alex hated feeling like this - he felt stupid - but he couldn't stop his thoughts from whirling.

He held his breath for a moment to listen to Tom, his breath slow and steady. The other boy was probably still asleep. Alex's gut wrenched as he reached over to Tom's arm, afraid of what he would discover. Tom's biceps were smooth, just above the hairy part of his arm. It was weird. Alex had never considered where the hair was on another guy, but now that he was touching Tom, it felt natural. He let his hand wander more, carefully feeling the skin, and as his thumb passed an indentation, Alex knew he found what he was looking for. The place where Tom was shot.

Alex pushed his thumb into the groove. It wasn't deep, though it would definitely be noticeable if Tom was ever shirtless. Tom was scarred for life because of his connection to him. It was unfortunate, but he couldn't push Tom away. He needed Tom in his life. He could only sigh and choke back a sob.

His heart jumped as Tom spoke.

"Was feeling all my holes not as fun as you expected?"

Alex was speechless for a moment before a deep chuckle escaped his lungs. "Don't be gross." Then he sighed. "Were you awake the whole time?"

"More or less," Tom admitted. "I figured out pretty quickly what you were up to. Got my hopes up with your hands going another direction, if you know what I'm saying."

Alex ignored the dirty humor. He wasn't feeling very playful. "I just wanted to feel it, the damage that I caused you."

"Don't," Tom intoned. "We agreed that you wouldn't blame yourself. None of what happened to you - and to me - was your fault."

"Yeah," Alex said, but he really didn't mean it. This was why Alex had never really told Tom about what happened with Jack. "Sorry, though, for touching your scar without asking."

Tom was quiet for a moment. "I know you always refused, but can I…"

Alex gulped. "It's all less fresh in my mind. I think I can talk about them now."

"You don't have to…"

"I never even told Jack about most of these. But I want you to know. Which ones do you know about?"

"The bullet wound is the big one," Tom whispered.

"Yeah," Alex exhaled. "It is the big one."

"And some burns."

"Two. Same mission," Alex said quietly. He took Tom's hand and placed it on the back of his own. "That line you feel? It was from a spider web in the Poison Dome. Remember that? Probably some sort of acid. It is a white, protruding line if you've never noticed."

"You were so close to me," Tom muttered quietly. "Sorry I couldn't help."

"I wouldn't have let you anyway," Alex consoled, a soft, honest smile spreading on his face. "Thanks, though."

He grabbed Tom's hand again and placed it on his shoulder. Alex cleared his throat and was surprised when he spoke without tears. "This is what really… I don't like to look in the mirror." It had been that way before Cairo, and due to Julius, his aversion became complete avoidance.

Alex's heart stuttered as Tom gasped, his fingers delicately feeling around the raised scars.

"Did it hurt?" Tom asked.

"I was in so much pain already, I don't think I could feel more. My head was reeling from the explosion. I came out better than the other guy."

"I'm glad," Tom said. "The ladies will love it."

"Maybe," Alex muttered. "I still hate it. My body is a collection of scars marking me as MI6 property." None of them were even the disease that would kill him. Maybe he would ask a doctor if the spider web had been an agent that could cause cancer.

"You're away from them now," Tom promised after a while.

"Yeah." Alex grabbed Tom's hand again and lowered it to the bullet would over his heart. "The one that almost killed me." Alex fought a shudder as Tom's hand moved over his heart, though he couldn't stop the sharp intake of air as Tom's hand brushed over his nipple.

Tom laughed. "I guess you're sensitive there. I think I know how to tease you with your next girlfriend."

"First girlfriend," Alex corrected grumpily. He hadn't been normal enough to date anyone.

They were quiet for a while, listening to each other breathing. It felt so natural just to be together.

"Does any of it ever hurt?" Tom asked.

"The hand wound hurts if you press on it. The burns on my shoulder just make me feel sick. I haven't been swimming since."

"Alex…"

"My left arm sometimes hurts. Pins and needles, that kind of pain. It isn't too bad except when I'm really cold… or having a nightmare."

Tom placed his hand on Alex's shoulder. "Let me know if anyone complains about your scars. I'll beat them up for you."

"Thanks," Alex said and closed his eyes. "I'm glad you're here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww, these two are feeling the gay out of each other without even knowing it :P Actually, Tom sort of knows. He knows he is male attracted already, as will be discussed in a few chapters. 
> 
> This chapter got longer than intended... it was supposed to end with a high-speed car chase hahahaha. The road trip was supposed to start within 500 words of this chapter, but 4000 later they're still in bed!
> 
> Please leave a comment if you are enjoying :)


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